awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
