I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
