You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
