Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
