I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I deserve this hangover.
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