I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
