there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
being pregnant is like rehab
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Randomize