Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
