TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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