Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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