dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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