hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
