At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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