Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i think my mom watched the whole time
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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