Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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