I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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