I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
