Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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