do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
