I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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