just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
