I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
