Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
