Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Randomize
