ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
