my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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