He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
