Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
