Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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