At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Randomize
