Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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