What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
She even gives head with a lisp.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
