Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Randomize
