Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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