Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
worst night to have a conscience
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
