my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
