Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
