I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
you told grandpa to call you daddy
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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