cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
