You made me cry and you don't even care
Barsexuality is the new black.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
