god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
