no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Come back. Shots need mouths.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
