I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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