need another drink. this is the easiest way
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I want to fling myself into the sun
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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