My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
