Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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