Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
