I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
