I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
