shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
