Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Randomize
