Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
