then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
