Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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