The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
