you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
