Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
